{"id":3461,"date":"2025-03-26T11:00:28","date_gmt":"2025-03-26T11:00:28","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/?p=3461"},"modified":"2025-03-28T11:30:55","modified_gmt":"2025-03-28T11:30:55","slug":"an-extract-how-mewing-can-improve-your-profile","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/2025\/03\/26\/an-extract-how-mewing-can-improve-your-profile\/","title":{"rendered":"An Extract: How Mewing Can Improve Your Profile"},"content":{"rendered":"

Daniel is a mature undergraduate currently pursuing an English BA at King’s College London, while also working as an English and guitar tutor. Originally from Birmingham, where he spent the majority of his life, he was once a songwriter and performer. During his time in Birmingham, he fronted several bands, including the psychedelic indie band Sleep Patterns. To make ends meet, he took on various day jobs over the years, including working in an art shop, a library, in social care, and being involved in musical projects with the Midlands Arts Centre (MAC) and the music\/arts collective DIE DAS DER, in addition to teaching guitar. In recent years, his focus has shifted from songwriting to prose writing.<\/em><\/p>\n

His literary influences are varied, with a particular admiration for writers who possess unique, characterful styles such as Dickens, Nabokov, and, more recently, Jean Rhys with her angst-ridden prose. He also has a deep appreciation for science fiction, particularly the works of authors like Ursula K. le Guin, Gene Wolfe, and Ray Bradbury, who blend literary sensibilities with the genre. He believes that literature is most powerful when it serves a clear purpose, and sees science fiction as a means to reflect and stylize our world and times, often in a distorted or exaggerated manner. Writers such as Philip K. Dick, William Gibson, and Margaret Atwood have done this effectively, and it is in this tradition that Daniel has been experimenting with writing his own short science fiction stories.<\/em><\/p>\n

For his most recent story, Daniel was inspired by the way a small number of Silicon Valley companies have shaped our digital culture, driven by their competitive, libertarian values. The book Hegemony Now: How Big Tech and Wall Street Won the World (And How We Win It Back) by Jeremy Gilbert and Alex Williams sparked further reflection on how this influence has quietly crept into society, prompting him to consider what might happen if it were taken just a step or two further.<\/em><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

How Mewing Can Improve Your Profile<\/strong><\/p>\n

By Daniel Sheridan<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Marcus can\u2019t stop looking at the palm of his hand. He leans back on the training bench and stares at the rising numbers on the screen encased in his skin \u2013 kg\u2019s lifted, treadmill milage, water intake \u2013 his profile updating automatically. Two hours at the gym won\u2019t enhance his visibility much, not compared to the sponsored content he\u2019d paid for this morning. It\u2019s all good profile maintenance, though.<\/p>\n

He passes the woman in the grey tank top he\u2019d seen doing leg presses. Her toned body alone is clickbait. Some guy is talking to her. Marcus clocks his torso \u2013 too thin between those bulking upper arms. He needs to get his workout plan sorted, competition on OneProfile is ramping up; the algorithms are merciless. But if Miss Clickbait wants to laugh at his weak jokes they\u2019re welcome to each other.<\/p>\n

Another glance at his palm-device as he leaves: his content is performing well.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Black BOSS shirt. Navy chinos. He places each item of dry-cleaned clothing on the bed. White Calvin Kleins. Marcus trims his eyebrows then slips his boxers \u2013 some minor topiary. He massages a hair growth stimulant into his cheeks after moisturising. Thirty years old and his beard is still little more than bumfluff.<\/p>\n

Marcus is sculpting his hair when his palm-device buzzes. It\u2019s Eliot. He steps onto the balcony to take the call, palm against his ear. The upper portion of the sky is a clear, pearlescent blue above a few puffs of low hanging cloud. From his fourteenth floor Hackney pad, he takes in the horizon dominated by the vaunting financial district.<\/p>\n

\u2018Shit, Marcus, are you following the news about Bristol? Their system is still shut down. Are we culpable?\u2019 Eliot is getting paranoid. \u2018I\u2019m shitting it about that last malware protection update, we rushed it through.\u2019<\/p>\n

They have all worked hard for these contracts. Eliot is ruining the glory for himself. It had taken the full range of Marcus\u2019s wily charms to sell the software to the North Bristol Trust, adding tens of thousands to the income from healthcare companies in Lagos and Hanoi and Mumbai and he forgets where else. CyberFort Security is a global success.<\/p>\n

\u2018We both know the software wasn\u2019t built for Health Records systems. And I had someone asking me some weird questions outside the office last week. It could have been someone from the media, or the police.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re worrying too much, Eliot. Just keep on with the patching work. And check your bank balance \u2013 it works like a diazepam.\u2019<\/p>\n

Marcus is beginning to feel he has the legitimacy to breathe in and out the same air as those FTSE 100 elites. To breathe the brightest, cleanest air, the purest oxygen cut from the atmosphere by the peak of The Shard, its spire puncturing the sky to let out the air of excess.<\/p>\n

He tells Eliot to chill and taps his palm to end the call.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

Marcus inhales some of the strawberry of Sarah\u2019s vape clouds as she scrolls through her profile \u2013 fitness, education, income; stopping at the personal details section, she points to her date of birth.<\/p>\n

\u2018Wow. You look much younger.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Well, of course.\u2019 It was supposed to have been a compliment \u2013 they had matched on OneProfile, so he\u2019d already glanced through her breakdown. \u2018Don\u2019t you understand how much work we have to have done now? Each year closer to forty and fucking OneProfile\u2019s algorithms drag down our visibility, much faster than for you blokes. You understand that, right?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018But if it works\u2026\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Works for who?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018It brought us together tonight, for one thing.\u2019 He coils an arm around Sarah\u2019s waist as he gently rocks his hips to the Latin guitar noodling from the beer garden speakers. \u2018And it sounds like you practically run this\u2013 what is it, a podcast? So you hire your own staff, I presume\u2026\u2019 A brief nod. He\u2019s starting to think she\u2019s not into him, but he\u2019ll make his point anyway. \u2018When all this was spread across different platforms \u2013 professional linking, photo sharing, dating \u2013 it was a mess.\u2019 Since the Silicon Valley Merger, life has become streamlined. No one can argue against the convenience of having those key platforms operating under one point of reference \u2013 one profile. Performances across all areas \u2013 followers, qualifications, income, days without sick leave \u2013 all contribute to OneProfile visibility. \u2018It makes sense for you to see your candidates\u2019 merits all laid out before you, surely. Like a stats screen in a video game.\u2019 Marcus grins.<\/p>\n

\u2018I\u2019m not a gamer.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018But when you\u2019re hiring, you just skim the most visible profiles, right? Simple. Think of all the time we used to waste on inefficient people.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018Personally,\u2019 Sarah takes a micro-step away from him, \u2018I think it needs regulation\u2019.<\/p>\n

He had thought he\u2019d found a good alternative to Miss Clickbait tonight. A few exchanged messages and Sarah had agreed to meet immediately, his trending profile already working its magic. Marcus had been mewing in the angled mirrors behind the bar, checking out his side-profile when she\u2019d tapped him on the shoulder. He\u2019ll take a good pic of that improved jawline later. She\u2019d been interested in his work, asking about the way he tests his company\u2019s antivirus software, those lucrative contracts. But once the conversation had gotten onto things more personal, she\u2019d seemed to go cold.<\/p>\n

\u2018These things we used to call phones,\u2019 Sarah spreads open her hand, displaying her palm-device, \u2018we can\u2019t truly compete on the jobs market without modelling ourselves through them. You say it suits employers, but if our bodies must be gamified like this, public ownership of OneProfile is the only way we can all<\/em> have a say.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018But OneProfile and palm-devices both came from the private sector. They met a demand. People have always loved their beautiful tech.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018And you don\u2019t think it\u2019s a problem to have no alternatives?\u2019 Sarah breathes a fresh fruity plume.<\/p>\n

\u2018But it\u2019s like \u2013 realistically, Amazon is the only company people order their shit from now. Is anyone calling for alternatives there?\u2019 With a service that slick, no need to talk about healthy competition or ethics. Get my fucking drill bit to my door tomorrow morning. I need it. \u2018It works. Like OneProfile, keeping everything running smoothly, including your<\/em> business,\u2019 he says, disentangling his arm. He snatches a glance at his palm-device: twenty-nine missed calls from Eliot.<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

*<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

He tries the four-seven-eight breathing technique encouraged by David, his forensic psychologist. A course of therapy is one of the conditions of his bail. The defence had managed to soften his sentence by claiming \u2018mental ill health\u2019 as a factor.<\/p>\n

David counts and Marcus breathes. Four seconds breathing in \u2013 hold for seven \u2013 eight seconds out. Four plus seven plus eight is nineteen.<\/p>\n

He tries not to imagine what a criminal record will do to his profile. CyberFort Security\u2019s business ratings have already dropped, pummelling his visibility. He tugs at the bandage covering his palm and starts to hyperventilate again.<\/p>\n

David asks if he would like a glass of water. No, he doesn\u2019t want any water, he doesn\u2019t want to breathe stillness into his body. He wants to pace up and down the ribbed carpet of the magnolia-walled room. He wants to check his profile. He can\u2019t function without knowing the damage. Marcus stares at a piece of sodden sky though the narrow, open window. He\u2019s fallen far beneath that superior FTSE air now, raggedly sucking in the dregs, a bottom feeder gagging on the mud. A cold draft chills his clammy skin.<\/p>\n

A police officer enters the room. His heart thuds at the bang of the wind-slammed door. It\u2019s nothing to do with Marcus, David assures him, not to worry, this is still his space.<\/p>\n

Marcus is against therapy. An ex had once urged that he try it after he\u2019d become too obsessive and spreadsheety with his profile goals. But no, everyone knows the diagnosis of a psychiatric condition makes you less algorithm-friendly, even if the official line is that OneProfile can\u2019t access medical details.<\/p>\n

\u2018Let\u2019s go back to the numbers,\u2019 says David. He can\u2019t forget that last glimpse of his lamed profile \u2013 his stats had been decimated. \u2018I find it helps clients to work towards acceptance of guilt by beginning with the data, to start seeing the unchangeable facts of the situation as they are.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018I \u2026 I need to see it.\u2019 He pulls at the corners of the bandage.<\/p>\n

\u2018Let\u2019s just focus on those facts. The hospital cyber-attack in Bristol caused delays in treatment for,\u2019 David taps his palm-device, \u2018two-hundred-and-sixteen patients, the complications of which included seven deaths.\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018What? I thought we were talking about my profile data…\u2019 Marcus had listened to Sarah\u2019s investigative podcast. She\u2019d called him a \u2018purveyor of the cybersecurity equivalent of combustible cladding\u2019. His only real digital talent, Sarah claimed, was in manipulating OneProfile visibility to his company\u2019s advantage, shouldering CyberFort to the fore in search engine results. He\u2019d swipe-righted his way into a honey trap.<\/p>\n

\u2018And then there\u2019s the Vietnamese clinic\u2013\u2019<\/p>\n

\u2018I need to see my profile,\u2019 Marcus says through clenched teeth. David removes his horn-rimmed glasses and slowly cleans the lenses with a cloth. He\u2019d get more engagement if he\u2019d only invest in some fashionable glasses.<\/p>\n

\u2018You\u2019re obsessing again, Marcus.\u2019<\/p>\n

He knuckles away hot tears with his bandaged hand. David continues tapping his palm-device. His voice softens. \u2018How do you feel?\u2019 Marcus\u2019s lungs feel algorithmically suppressed.<\/p>\n

He rips the bandage from his hand. His device has been confiscated, leaving a raw, rectangular hollow in the flesh of his palm. The veins mapping across red-brown sheets of exposed muscle seem to flicker, splitting apart, forming and reforming into a jargon of nonsense words and numbers incessantly scripting in the wound.<\/p>\n

Marcus feels illegitimate.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Daniel is a mature undergraduate currently pursuing an English BA at King’s College London, while also working as an English and guitar tutor. Originally from Birmingham, where he spent the majority of his life, he was once a songwriter and performer. During his time in Birmingham, he fronted several bands, including the psychedelic indie band […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1337,"featured_media":3462,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[25],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3461","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-life-writing-creative-writing-and-performance"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3461","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1337"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3461"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3461\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3499,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3461\/revisions\/3499"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3462"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3461"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3461"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/blogs.kcl.ac.uk\/english\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3461"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}