Respect is a core value of many organisations and something that people often say is fundamental to a positive working environment, as well as to their day-to-day wellbeing.

Respect – noun

A feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements.

Similar: esteem, regard, high regard, high opinion, acclaim, admiration, approbation, approval, appreciation, estimation, favour, popularity, recognition, veneration, awe, reverence, deference, honour, praise, homage

Opposite: contempt

Disrespect, or in fact contempt, was what sprang to mind from a recent experience. I am often asked to speak at events or sit on panels. I love the opportunity to share my thinking and to hear others but it can be such a mixed experience. People regularly feed back that they’ve learned something and often follow up, seeking further 1-to-1 meetings or advice. That’s what keeps me trying, but there are some lows. Each event takes a degree of preparation as well as emotional and physical energy. Don’t get me started on the expectation that you will do it for free, too – the amount of free labour that is expected of BME women is probably a PhD thesis or two of its own.

Also amongst the lows – here’s some common experiences:

“Oh, next up we have Sarah G…er…uugarraga” – or some other collection of sounds that bear no relation to my name. Pro- tip – if you are introducing someone, find out how to say their name and practice it. Someone’s name is a basic identifier and getting it right is a basic mark of respect.

“Here’s Sarah Guerra”

I start speaking and some people in the room start talking. Just don’t. If you’ve come into the room, then it was presumably with the intention of listening? If you don’t want to, or can’t listen, then excuse yourself. I find this often happens that someone asks a question which I then try to answer but they clearly weren’t interested in the answer – they stop paying attention the minute they’ve had their chance to speak.

If you are organising an event, I know it’s a thankless task. But please do your best to think through all the arrangements and how to avoid disrupting the speaker. It is difficult to maintain a flow or to be impactful when there is a load of cups clinking as the catering is cleared, or tables or walls are being moved. If it’s unavoidable, warn the speaker. Or if it happens without any warning, and you are the organiser, at least acknowledge the problem and try to do whatever you can.

The experience that has particularly stuck in my mind was where recently I was asked to close an organisation’s series of EDI-related events. Wow! I was chuffed. I am the sort of person that attracts this kind of offer. I put in an uncharacteristic amount of time and effort into prep. A week or so before the event, an email arrives: “we are expecting x (Mr Big, Important Person ), they can only come at so and so time, so we are rejigging the order and reducing the time from you. Hope that’s ok”. To be honest I felt a prickle of irritation – not least as Mr BIP was a white man bumping a black woman in a race and ethnicity-related event. But I recognise that Mr BIP probably had no idea about this and ultimately, it’s not all about me! These events are to activate leadership, build engagement and educate.

Fast forward. I turn up on the day, early and prepared. Mr BIP arrives seconds before the event starts and then dragoons some other people into the front panel – they are not introduced to me or the audience! Mr BIP’s role is to express commitment to D&I and the event series and to introduce me.

Imagine my inner monologue as I listen to his corporate spiel and then hear him proudly announce that he has come unprepared. He hasn’t read his brief. He doesn’t know who I am, but “working with academics is no picnic”.

Cue me, 5 minutes in (to add insult to my injured pride) a procession of people weave through the audience to go to the next room and start setting up quite noisily!

Despite all that, I nailed my presentation and was truly cooking on gas. But as the days have gone by, I have been thinking about how unprepared he was, his off-handedness, and what I should take from it in regards to personal and professional respect.

What was his motivation? Why did he not have time or make time?  Why was he unembarrassed and unapologetic? Was it a deliberate snub? Does it qualify as a microaggression? If I were to give him feedback, would he take me seriously? Would I be dismissed as oversensitive or even a prima donna? What would he have been like if he had been a BME person? Would he have done it if I was white, male, older, younger or more attractive? Should I have done something? Am I a bit irrelevant?

I don’t really have a conclusion here other than without a doubt it caused me some pause for thought (and I wonder how much if any it caused him?) and something that should have been joyous and esteem-boosting has ended with a slightly sour note. So, as we all consider ‘respect’ let’s remember there are many ways to disrespect people and it’s quite easily done.